Journal

Today I am numb.

I am not sure if I am just numb from all the medicine and crap I've taken in the last week or if I am so sick that I am just numb. I never take medicine, so its weird to me. My mind is cloudy and my actions are slow..

Yesterday I actually didnt even come in to work. The day before I came in only for a few hours, but yesterday I couldnt even crawl out of bed to eat. I just picked up the phone, dialed somehow and said I wasnt coming in. I didnt wake up again until about 5 cause I had to use the restroom. Ate a little bit of food and crawled back in. I am still in a daze.

The rainbow is just about gone, but a nagging cough has taken its place. Does it ever end?! My voice is back but still a little funny. I tossed and turned all night with the cough. I feel like crap.

I cant have this right now, I have too much going on. I called my doctors office for a prescription for some of that codiene cough syrup that worked the last time I had a lingering cough. Everytime I get a cold, the cough lingers...but hopefully my stomach is going to get a work out as much as it is sore, I think it needs it. Hopefully my doctors office can get the prescription right this time.

Therapy went well this morning. My shoulder only bothered me real bad Sunday I think from carrying tubs of ice all and my therapist says the muscles seem to be getting used to the motions. I have been trying to do my excercises regularly, but not quite as often as she's like of course.

I need to start going on my fundraiser. I want it to be great! I need to make sure everything goes well...still a little clueless though...I also need to work on my fostering application. I have some letter to do, some references to get, and questions to fill out. I need to catch up in my Psych class work too. I have a lot to do..

I like to think when I am driving. I think I do most of my hardest thinking then because there are no distractions besides my music and occassionally a stupid driver. I was thinking about Ganino last night. I havent thought about him for a while, and I felt bad about it.

Yesterday someone asked me what my tatoo was and I told them my brothers name who passed away. Then I remembered. It got me to thinking about how much I used to "talk" to him at night or when I was upset. Everytime I needed encouragement or help or anything, I would talk to him like he was right with me. I havent done that in a while.....I wondered why.

I wondered because I have really needed to. I have been so emotionally drained the last few months, that I dont know how I could have kept it in. Then I thought I must have more people now to talk to, other ways to get it out. But how could I forget to talk to him?

Ganino isnt the only one I have neglected lately. I havent seen or talked to very many people very much the last few months. I hardly have time for anything lately. I dont like that in some ways. I love being involved, knowing things, doing things and being with my friends and family.

I feel that I missed so much of that growing up away from these people that I have so much to make up for. So much to learn about them. I dont like being out of the loop. I feel like a bad person, acting as if I dont care. I will make an effort to get back into things soon.

I will also talk to Ganino again. I need to. He is however the one who keeps me sane, and altogether good. I always think that he knows and sees everything and everything I do he sees. If I do something wrong I feel guilty, I apologize..he is always there.

What a long, hard weekend, ya know the kind of weekend perfect for getting sick.

I worked a total of 33 hours from Friday through Sunday. I got called "Shorty" all night working Friday. It wasnt appealing. I yelled back at one person and I lost my voice, its still recovering. I sound like a little boy going through puberty.

I felt fine all weekend until yesterday. I woke up and it was there full force. The aching, the headache, the coughs and the dreaded rainbow of phlem.

I guess it was bound to happen. But I managed most of the weekend and then decided that this time I would take some medicine. I usually dont take any unless told by my doctor. Usually every spring I get a lung infection, my doctor thinks due to allergies, so I started taking Claritin and then I'm fine. So I took some last week and then Sunday Chris got me some Robitussin, which helped a little.

The rainbow is leaving slowly, but my voice still keeps cracking and dying on me. My co-worker finds it "cute" this morning, but I dont. My stomach is sore I thought from dancing all weekend, but no its actually from coughing.

Lots of drama this weekend that I cant really talk about. Nothing regarding me, but it was still there and it just sucks. I dont understand a lot of things, like why people do certain things or act a certain way.

Saturday night I was dancing with a friend to some hip hop and some guy creeps up behind her and just starts grinding her from behind. I look behind me a sure enough, theres some guys getting it on with my rear. WTF?! Then they call us stuck up when we tell them to get lost. This happened all night! What ever happened to asking someone to dance first? And why do we have to be stuck up if all we want to do is dance by ourselves?

Another thing from this weekend that still lingers on my mind is addiction. I really dont think I will fully understand it. I understand that its something physically impairing a person, but professionally how to do you deal with them? Ironically, this person is a good person, gentle and giving, but you can tell there is a problem.

I think the hardest part second to family or friends of that person is being their employer. I think most people wouldnt care or bother, but if you know there is a problem, how can you just get rid of them like that?

The way I see it, the people who fall into this cycle do it because it gives them something they feel that they need, and eventually that their body does need. I think it makes them feel a relief of their problems or pains temporarily.

But when I think about it, it only causes more problems. Because of putting aside those problems for a while they only pile up and create more. Then its back to doing it because of the relief, and if theres more problems you need more relief and it just gets worse and worse.

How do you get them to get help before its too late? Is it ever too late? Will they ever really fully recover? Is it about will power or really a thing you cant help?

By the way I am so glad that Chris doesnt have any hang arounders.... And I do have "real" friends.

I have much to be thankful for.

www.objective.jesussave.us/creationsciencefair.html

I dont know whether to laugh, or worry..worry very much.

AH-HA! It isnt just me imagining pain in my shoulder blade!

I had my first physical therapy session the other day. The lady evaluated me and sure enough my shoulder is weirding out! She said my left bone(the one that burns) sticks out more than the other and moves oddly. She also said my muscles are way too tight and I have muscle spasms.

I am exstatic, finally someone can help me! **HOPE**

So when do you draw the line at being a role model and doing what you want. I mean do you have to? If you are being lawful, safe and all that, but would like to do something that is usually frowned upon, would you still do it?

I know everyone has their own morals, but according to public common ones, you're bound to conflict with something eventually. Some are more prominent problems than others, so how do you decide what to do?

I know I do a lot of things that most people frown upon, or do not agree with, but it usually doesnt stop me. I do what I feel is best for everyone most of the time, not just myself. I do what is lawful and I try to do what is decent. Sometimes I am goofy or weird but I try to keep within limits.

Why do I try to do all of this? Because I have enough people giving me crap for this or that, but at least they can not say I mean bad or meant to be in the wrong. It doesnt always stop me, but it always plays a part in my decision. If in the end I feel able to live with the decision I've made, then thats what counts.

I think the president of my company is playing a sick, cruel joke on me. I have meetings with him all the time on all the financials and other stuff in the office, and everytime he has some new procedure he wants done or one that needs to be changed and I usually get a lecture on something.

Well today it was only about 20 minutes long, he looked at all my reports, asked a couple questions then said "good, looks like you have everything under control and well organized." I was like "what, no lecture today?" and he said "no, just a congrats and good job today."

I still think he's trying to trick me...

Interesting weekend....again.

I believe I aced my Psychology mid term Friday night, actually I am pretty positive about it. Last week we received copies of 2 tests to turn in and use to study for the test. I memorized all 100 of them by letters. I had Chris test me Thursday night and I knew which letter was the answer to every one of them, but not the actual answer. I figured that was the best I could do and crossed my fingers.

When we got there it was the exact same test, and yup I remembered them all. Took me about 20 minutes to fill out the scantron sheet.

Saturday was work as usual, very slow surprisingly though. The pizza register girl and I sat on the deck most of the day trying to tan and just kicking it. Then a friend from Sacramento was in town with a friend and came by while I was working. They were going to party that night...so I had to join in. We had a blast and then we ended back at Kellys and I waited for Chris to get off. We didnt leave until about 5:30 am!

The next morning I go up late of course, pooped and whining because my feet were killing me. I had worn my new shoes and now I was sorry. Got stuck in traffic because of all the niner whiners on their way to the game and then had a pretty slow day again working.

Stopped by Grandmas house on the way home and got to catch up a little. Havent really talked or gone by anyones house in a while so it was good to catch up. When I got home had a yummy dinner that Chris had waiting for me. Then my little cousin Andrew came over for me to cut his hair because he was having pictures the next day at school.

Andrew had long hair forever, since I remember, and now that he is 13 Chris and I teased him to try to get him to cut it. Chris offered him $110 to do it, he finally did. So a while back I chopped it. I just grabbed some scissors and whacked it. I've never cut hair before, other than my own, but it came out ok I guess.

So we had to touch it up again last night. I guess he's afraid to let anyone else do it. His Mom kept saying you know she doesnt have any training or anything in this, and he's like yeah thats ok, haha.

I have to say that I am appreciative of some things again. I dont think you can say some things enough, and I probably dont as much as I should, but I try, ok.

This weekend I got to see first hand how lucky I am to have Chris and appreciate him. Although I will never tell him(you, if you're reading this) but I do. Seeing other couples and people and how we deal with problems and then see how others do, we really got it good.

I mean we all make mistakes, do stupid shit occasionally, but we really handle things well I think. I mean there are days we could strangle eachother, but we never would and we always work it out. On the other hand I see other couples that seriously have it bad.

I know I am spoiled, I truly am and I know it. I may not always feel that way, but after this weekend I really do know it. I see how other men treat their women, and granted if someone treated me that way I would kick them to the curb but, Chris always treats me well. I feel respected and I cant ask for much more than that. But I do ask for more, and I expect a lot, and I appreciate that it gets his thought at least(usually).

We are at a point today that I would say if frustration. Not with eachother, but with our situation. We both work very hard, we both have big dreams, we both struggle and we both have needs. Sometimes, no matter how hard you work or try to achieve something, it just doesnt happen. There is this variable that I cling to, I try to help and motivate, but it doesnt want control. Its started to make Chris mad, it makes me mad, but I dont know what to do.

So how do you choose between something so important and something that should be important? And what is really more important?

Almost 1 million teenagers become pregnant each year...

A baby is abandoned in the United States approximately evey 25 minutes...

COTONOU, Benin - Seventy-four child workers as young as 4 years old — their skin broken and palms callused from months of hauling granite — were receiving food, clothes and medical care in the West African state of Benin on Thursday after being rescued from the traffickers who sold them into heavy labor.

Children told their rescuers that at least 13 of their young companions had died in the past three months — worn out by smashing and carrying rocks and sleeping, without adequate food, in the open, U.N. officials said.

"We would break the stones, and the men would come take them away in trucks," one rescued boy, thin, filthy and heavily scratched, told The Associated Press. He looked no more than 10.

Authorities blocked most access to the children by reporters, and it was not possible to get the boy's name.

Nigerian police returned the children to Benin late Wednesday, ending what Nigerian federal police inspector-general Tafa Balogoun said had been more than a year of work in the granite pits.

Tiny boys in dirty T-shirts and shorts, or bare-chested, the children hung out the windows of the buses that brought them back to their home country, staring solemnly.

Health workers were treating the children Thursday at a stadium in Cotonou, seaside capital of the port city of Benin.

"The children must be washed, dressed and allowed to rest a little before social workers can start interviewing them to find their parents and return them to their families," a Benin official, Latoundji Lauriano, said.

The children were returned under an August accord between Presidents Mathieu Kerekou of Benin and Olusegun Obasanjo of Nigeria.

The first rescue under the pact came Sept. 27, when authorities brought back 116 children who had been put to work in the granite quarries of southwest Nigeria. Three of the children died later at a camp where Nigerian authorities brought them before repatriation, Lauriano said.

On Thursday, Benin authorities crossed into Nigeria for what Lauriano said would be a six-week mission to find more children and retrieve them.

Child labor and labor-trafficking are common across West Africa, while mass operations to rescue the victims are extremely rare. An estimated 15,000 children from impoverished Benin work in Nigerian granite pits, officials said.

Poor West African children grow up helping families with heavy labor, sometimes as soon as the children can walk steadily.

Parents often turn their children over to labor-contractors, seeing it as a way for the boys and girls to feed themselves and learn trades.

The unlucky among the children wind up in places like Nigeria's granite pits, doing hard labor for traffickers who sell the boys' and girls' work cheap and pocket much of the proceeds.

Open wounds on the bodies of the children being treated Thursday, and the calluses on their hands, testified to the severity of their labor.

Health teams were giving each child new clothes and underwear, feeding them, and inoculating them against diseases.

Nigerian officials say up to 6,000 more children could be repatriated to Benin in coming months. It was not clear why not all 15,000 would be returned, or if that involved a discrepancy in numbers.

I guess you can now call this journal the bitching place, cause thats all I seem to do.

I hate medicine, I hate doctors, I hate it all! My doctors office was suppose to call in a prescription for me Friday so that I could get some relief from the pain in my back. I told them which pharmacy I go to and Friday night I went to pick it up. It wasnt there.

I got to wait all weekend, and might I add that it was a long holiday weekend, to call and bitch them out. Finally Tuesday I get a hold of someone there and after holding for almost an hour I get someone to rip one to.

They sent it to the wrong pharmacy!

So finally I go pick it up yesterday and wait to get home because it makes you drowsy and I didnt want to fall asleep at work or on the road. I was hurting by then. I was suppose to stay up late and study since I have a mid-term tomorrow so I took half of one around 6. Around 8 my back is still killing me and I dont feel drowsy at all.

I take the other half.

About half and hour later I have cramps, the chills and I feel nauseous. I end up crawling in bed and trying to FALL ASLEEP at 9 just to get away from the crappiness I am feeling. WTF?!

Someone is really doi. Not sure if you'll read this post but you suck. You just plain suck. Yes you, you little migente bug. I dont want to talk to you.

On a better note, I have a new friend. Havent made a friend in a while. Not just an acquintence, but someone who has morals and understands! Yes someone else out there has morals beleive it or not.

Interesting weekend.....

Funny how I hate when people write things like that, but here I am fine with not sharing just yet...

I forgot the other day I got flashed, on accident. I was waiting in the office of my doctors to get x-rayed and there was nothing but a bunch of elderly people waiting as well. They called this one elderly mans name, he got up and his pants just dropped!

I immediately looked the other way so as not to embarrass him while he struggled to bring them back up. I thought the elderly ladies where all going to have heart attaches and I would be the only one able to resisatate(cant spell it) them, holy smokes!

I almost peed myself laughing after I finally left the office, dont know how I was able to hold it that long but I did.

Havent had a good laugh in while, can ya tell?

Watch out people, I am getting drugs. Yes, Yvonne Gallegos will be on medication, so who knows what the reaction will be....this will be legal by the way..

I am starting to think that I am imagining the pain in my back. I mean why else would every doctor I go to act as if I am fine. No broken bones, weird x-rays besides my muscle spasms and I am too young for anything else.

Am I loosing it? I really dont need anything else in my life, its not like I need some attention or anything. So why does it hurt? Why do I get these burning sensations in my shoulder blade that hurt so bad sometimes even to move my arm?

I havent gotten any pain medications, no muscle relaxers or anything. They just keep refering me to other other doctors. In the mean time I just get to suffer through my imaginary pain. Everytime they refer me it takes them weeks just to get me an appointment with the next referal. What the heck?!

It has been almost 2 month since the first request I put in for something. It took them 3 weeks just to get me a referal to a back specialist. By the time I got it and called to schedule an appointment they didnt have anything available for another 3 weeks.

I finally had that appointment yesterday. Took some x-rays, nothing. He referred me to physical therapy. They dont have any opening utill the end of the month....great.

Thats all the bitching I can stand to do today, thanks for reading and have a nice day.

Ater my last post, I received a comment about it. It was plainly written: Propaganda. Nothing else.

What the *$@*!!!

I am really loosing faith in people.....it makes me sick at times...I am too upset to even explain, vent, cry or even barf...not to mention the pain in my back doesnt help. Doctors tomorrow....

Many times I copy & paste an article that I read that I wanted to share with everyone because it moved me or had some reaction. A lot of times I dont need to comment because the message is clear and sometimes I comment just because I feel the need to express something.

I cant copy this article because it was in a magazine that I receive called Foster Parenting Today. The day that I get this magazine I read it from cover to cover. Every article is moving and full of things to share, but I especially want to share a particular article with everyone today.

The article was about a boy in the foster care system named Luis who had lived with his foster parents for 5 years and was now 18, he was being sent to Iraq. Right before leaving, his foster parents adopted him so that he would have a family to write to, support him and have to fight for. I was smiling as I read this.

As I read the next 2 paragraphs my smile slowly faded. The article went on to talk about 2 other men who grew up in the foster care system who also went overseas. Jose & Davonne.

They were not adopted before turning 18 and being sent to war. The last thing Davonne said before he left was something like "I cant wait to get back and have a life, so far my life has been horrible, I cant wait to live."

Both of these men were killed while in Iraq and there was no family to send their remains to.

As I finished reading this my eyes watered. I can honestly say that I have very good control over my emotions. I never tear or mush or anything over things like this. Somehow I seem to get soft in this area. I have compassion for many things, but I handle my feeling very well.

Everytime I pick up my foster magazine I loose that control though. I read about some child that needs my help, but I cant and I just loose it all.

Statistics indicate that 57 children are abandoned everyday, and these are only the ones that are found.

I am sure there are just as many people waiting to adopt a child, too bad these children dont fit their standards...

A nice quote from one of my favorite websites "alexthegirl.com":

I believe we always have a choice, even if it's just between hard and harder.

Sometimes you cant help but disappoint others. Sometimes just because you know you will disappoint someone doesnt mean that you shouldnt do it. I am talking about being yourself.

If being you disappoints someone, well why should you be someone else just so as not to disappoint them?

I hate fake people, people you cannot read because you know they are just saying or doing something because they think you expect them to be a certian way. I want real people, people who arent afraid to be themselves even if they know I wont agree and who wont become someone else just to please me.

I respect that. I respect people who are happy enough with themselves that they arent afraid to hide, or change anything for anyone else. Even those people who I probably wont ever appreaciate as a person I will respect for at least not hiding it, because then I know what to expect. They live up to their personal standards.

Dont worry no one disappointed me. I think that I disappointed someone however by being myself. I wouldnt go back and change that but I do feel sorry that I wasnt what they had wanted exactly.

I hate being myself, sharing myself and trying my best to live up to my personal standards and they arent the same as someone I respects expectations. But that doesnt mean my standards arent good enough. It only means that they are different. It may make me question mine, but usually they remain the same.

Does everyone have personal standards? I didnt always. I dont think I always did, but if I did, I didnt always think about them as I do now. Now they almost control my life.

Control sounds very aggressive, but they affect every decision I make, they monitor my feelings and they even keep me sane. They are very simple, and yet they mean so much to me. My goals are made up of them. My family and friends motivate them. My life makes them.

What are your personal standards? Do you keep them?

I want to be someone who can look back on their life and say I did my best, I was honest, I did not give up when it got tough, I was supportive to others, I gave as much as I could to others, I was forgiving as much as possible, I did not promote evil, wrong doing or anything negative, I followed the rules, I was successful personally, I had a healthy lifestyle, I was loved and I loved.

But the most important thing I want to be able to say is that I motivated someone. I changed someones life. I gave up something to make someone elses life better. So far I havent fulfilled that. All the other moral decisions I make are easy, I dont have to think about it. Its so easy to be giving and positive, but actually making a difference takes effort.

Men frustrate me. I can not understand them, hardly ever!

They say that its women who are the hard ones to figure out, but really if I am fed, warm, and everything is functioning, theres nothing to worry about. Women are also pretty good about explaining themselves.

Like say I was hungry I would say so and right away so that it can be taken care of quickly. Men on the other hand would do something like start talking jibberish or something off the wall that in no way lets us know whats wrong.

As another example lets say that I was tired, to the point of almost falling asleep. I would say so and then go to sleep. Now men have a tendency to pretend to be fine and then all of a sudden you realize they have fallen asleep in the middle of a conversation.

Whats up with that. Do all men do these things or are there any out there who have found a cure to this disease?

I started my letter like this:

hey love,

then I changed it to:

lovely,

then I scrapped the whole thing.

First changed it cause it sounded too damn mushy, then I scrapped it again because it sounded even dumber. I finally said fuck it cause it was making me think too much.

Since when did I even start to think mushy? Since when did I start to even care if I sounded mushy? Yuck.