Journal

This may have been one of the better Christmas's yet. Very low key and quiet, not much got done, but it was nice. Three donations made for me too, I love it.

Life is hard sometimes. But that is just life. Lately I've been stuck a lot. I dont know what to do. I find myself in these prediciments that I just have no clue what do to.

Usually its everyone else that gets in these things and comes to me asking what to do and I always know. Now that its me, I dont know. I just dont know.

Today in history is interesting...

http://www.historychannel.com/tdih

Its for the best... right?

Here I find myself in this position again, and again I face all of these fears. Fears of being alone, not being able to handle it all, just getting up and moving on. But this time it comes and I face it fully. I face it now because I want to do what is best, I want more. More for myself and more for everyone else too.

I admit I expect a lot from people. I dont expect anything from just everyone, but from the people I choose to surround myself with I do. I expect them to care, to understand, or at least try to and to be the best that they can be. Maybe I am a snob for this, but its what I want and I cant change wanting.

Sometimes however, I cannot have what I want and I admit I can be a big baby. Sometimes I do not understand no matter what I do or try. Sometimes I dont fit others expectations and sometimes they dont fit mine. Sometimes those expectations change.

Change is not bad, but change is just change and you must move on and somtimes that means in different directions. My path is clear, somewhat. I know that it means work, and thinking because really I do not know what I want.

Change is here.

Happy Birthday Isaac!!!!!!!!!!

16 years ago........rest in peace baby boy.

Now what?

It doesnt suck to be thinking about someone on your way to work only to get there and find that you've received an email from them...

Just re-posting my xmas list again since its actually close to xmas now(nothing has changed still and probably ever will):

-my own CPA firm, or restaurant
-my own plane
-a little sister(I've been asking for one every xmas since I was like 8)
-more reliable friends
-warm, thick, fuzzy socks
-bigger boobs!(I had to do it) without the surgery

What a wonderful weekend, really. Very much different, and yet very fullfilling. I need more of those, and well I will probably have more of those since I wont be working weekends anymore.

So my Tia Lisa came to visit for the weekend from LA. It was great. Not too many times do my plans go that way, but this weekend did for the most part and we didnt rush, or bother to make sure they did, it just happened.

THE RAIDERS WON! It was a great game, considering they were ahead the whole game! It was especially great since EVERYONE was giving us a hard time the day before the game....haters.

I love my family. Maybe I am incredibly lucky somehow now that I am loved so much by them. Maybe not everyone, but no one isnt on my "thinking about you" list and vice versa. I have much to be thankful for.

As everyone knows Christmas isnt my favorite holiday. I think it is just a materialistic, emotionally and physically draining waste. Of course the only part I love is getting together and eating food with the family. Of course it is great to get gifts, but I dunno, I would rather not.

So I started off making my list this year and I got some things for that list, but I always get the kids first. So I am all set for the kids, even the toys4tots kids. Then the adults get confusing. I dont even think adults should get gits, but I would feel really stupid when someone gets me something and then I tell them what I think about why I didnt get them a thing.

Christmas sucks, its all about the expectation and conforming thing.

Man, oh man what do I do?

Sometimes the easiest part is letting go...

U.S. National - AP

Girl Sends Stuffed Animals to Foster Kids

BOWIE, Md. - More than 28,000 foster children have received the note, a duffel bag and the cuddly friend. "I want you to always know that you are loved, especially by me," the letter says. "And always remember to be positive, polite and never give up. Love Your Friend, Makenzie."

The writer is 13-year-old Makenzie Snyder, who has been sending duffel bags and stuffed animals to foster children since she was 7. Her mission: comfort neglected children who often are shuttled between temporary homes.

"I like to cheer up foster kids who have no real family," the Bowie girl says. "They are important, but no one cares for them. They are mostly forgotten."

Makenzie recently won a national award from the Caring Institute, which was founded in 1985 to honor and promote public service. Some other award recipients this year were Nebraska Congressman Tom Osborne and retired Vice Adm. William Lawrence, a former superintendent of the U.S. Naval Academy.

For Makenzie, the idea to help foster children came to her when she was 7. She and her two older brothers had won an essay contest on the topic "How to Change the World." Makenzie had been working with her brothers to raise money for firefighters since she was 4.

The prize was a trip to Paris to take part in the World Children's Summit. There, Makenzie met two children who had been wards of the state. She soon learned that many foster children end up with nothing but a garbage bag to carry their belongings to temporary homes.

So she decided to collect duffel bags to send through social workers.

"Then I thought about how I love to cuddle with a stuffed animal when I'm sad or lonely or missing my family, if they went away on a trip," Makenzie said in a recent interview from her backyard office, which is now filled with thousands of stuffed animals.

She called her project Children to Children and started out shopping at yard sales throughout Maryland for the items she needed. But that took time.

It wasn't long before the Freddie Mac Foundation heard about Makenzie.

Makenzie soon found herself sitting at a large conference table with Freddie Mac officials, answering questions about her project. They liked it, and gave her $15,000. The Washington Council of Governments kept the books for her and helped coordinate with regional foster care agencies.

Shawn Flaherty, a spokeswoman for Freddie Mac who recalled meeting Makenzie when she came to the office in 1999, described her as "very poised for someone so little."

"She's just a neat girl who is beyond her years in terms of being able to see a problem and start addressing it," Flaherty said.

Since then, Makenzie has raised about $50,000 in contributions. Makenzie also has collected thousands of duffel bags and stuffed animals from donors, including talk show hosts Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah Winfrey.

Home Depot and Southern Management Companies built her backyard office. That's where she stores a large zoo of stuffed animals and prepares the bags, sometimes with the help of friends and family who take an assembly line approach.

Makenzie estimates she has reached about 28,000 children in six years. There are an estimated 530,000 foster children in the United States.

Makenzie occasionally runs into supply lulls. While she usually has plenty of stuffed animals, Makenzie said her supply of duffel bags has ebbed recently. When she received her Caring Institute award, a donor gave her $5,000. At $10 a bag, that will bring her supply to 500 — a nice boost.




"But it would be really cool if someone would match that, so I could get 500 more," she said.

Ginny Grunley, a court appointed special advocate for foster children in Montgomery County, said Makenzie has excelled at a project that is desperately needed.

"A lot of times these kids don't have anything new to their name so it really makes them feel good," Grunley said.

Makenzie doesn't get to meet the children, because of confidentiality rules. Still, she said her project makes her feel good that she's helping others.

"I actually want to do it forever, until I help all the 530,000 foster care children in the whole United States," Makenzie said.

Every year when I send out my Toys4Tots email, one of my aunts always sends me a reply about how if it werent for Toys4Tots she wouldnt have gotten anything for Christmas as a child. It also reminds me of the times my Dad would bring my brothers and I around to pick up the toys when he was in the Marines and then take the toys to kid group homes and other places. This is a really good group. This is the part of the holidays that I do love. Probably the only part...

I guess it doesnt really matter if you are a dork or not. Its about how much of a dork you are..he he

You know, there are some things about me such as my thoughts that I share with people, and then there are things like facts that I share with people. So if I dont want to share those things like thoughts with someone, does that mean that they're not really friends?

I am a firm believer in respecting uniqueness. For some reason I can see everyones side to a topic, whether I agree or not with it. I dont know if its because I have been in a lot of strange situatons that gives me this understanding of others, but I truly value it as a gift. The only time I cant completely understand is when someone cant try to see things in another light. Maybe its inexperience or a warped kind of blocking technique. Sorry but thats the only explanation of that thought that I can think of.

Anyways, I've mentioned this in my other entries, but this thing that happens to me it confuses me. It really makes me think and its very challenging, but sometimes its too much. Sometimes, it backfires, sometimes I get the short end of the stick and yet most of the time it works out and I feel great in the end.

Why it happens to me I dont know. I know its not a usual thing, so its hard to figure out. Sometimes it gets personal and I really get into. I am not sure if thats a good thing though. I am usually very much able to handle the position I am put in, I have an incredible amount of control over my emotions, but inside it really gets to me.

I was thinking of creating a personal journal for these things, just to see later what all happened, but course I wouldnt be able to share it with anyone, but then thats the way its always been. I can remember most of them, but not all the specifics, which I try to forget anyways, cause then they get all jumbled up. But if I wanted to remember a particular item, I could then look it up, or even keep track of the progress on the item. Yeah I know it sounds pretty boring to everyone, but hey this is for my personal info mostly. No one reads this shit anyways, right?

Sometimes the oddest things make my day:

RIO DE JANEIRO, Brazil - Two one-legged inmates were among 26 prisoners who scaled walls to break out of an overcrowded jail in the Brazilian city of Niteroi, authorities said Tuesday.

What a weekend. Where do I even start?! Just one of those weekends that doesnt go as planned, but was probably for the best.

I think the holiday season makes people stressed out, and in turn grumpy, or even sometimes just plain dumb asses. This week was horrible as far as the number of rude people I had to deal with. Rude for stupid things, for stupid reasons. I still dont understand it. I especially dont understand how people can act that way and expect to keep their job?

I've met a lot people in the last few months that have made me wonder how do people that like survive? I mean the things people do sometimes, how do they function in society, how do they hold down a job, how do they have any friends, how do they live with themselves? The people who get me the most are corporate asses. I have worked in offices my whole life besides the one time I worked for B&N part time for about a month. I know whats professional, I know ethics, and so does everyone in that environment. But still somtimes those are the worse ones.

I still havent figured out if they act that was to feel in control, or because they just like being assholes? I can see that a lot of times, its a power trip thing. People like treating other people crappy because they feel powerful. But sometimes people are rude for no reason, and I dont understand. How do you keep a job like that?

The holiday season only makes this worse for me. I can already feel the rudeness growing. Day by day, I work with more and more rude buttheads. Then after the new year, its all over and everyone is back to their normal self, a new start. How stupid, I will probably never understand, oh well.

So the holiday seaon is here. Whoopee.....not.

I dont think I am a scrooge, but I think the only real holiday I get excited for is Thanksgiving, and thats already over. I really dont like Christmas, its so much work, I never enjoy it. I do enjoy finding gifts for everyone, but I hate how much I end up spending. Half the gifts I get go in the garage anyways, seriously. I would rather just have another week of cooking and eating and being thankful. No gift wrap everywhere, no unwanted gifts and no stress over gifts given.

Bahumbug.

First thing my little cousin Sam says when I walk in at Thanksgiving "Hey Monkey Butt". Geeh I wonder where she got that?!