Journal

I feel like Rick James, Im all curled out!

This song is on repeat...

Well I think I see another side
Maybe just another light that shines
And I look over now through the door
And I still belong to no one else
Maybe I hold you to blame for all the reasons that you left.
And close my eyes 'till I see your surprise
And you're leaving before my time.
Baby won't you change your mind?
Surely don't stay long I'm missing you now.
It's like I told you I'm over you somehow
Before I close the door
I need to hear you say goodbye.
Baby won't you change your mind?
I guess that hasn't changed someone
Maybe nobody else could understand
I guess that you believe you are a woman
And that I am someone else's man
But just before I see that you leave
I want you to hold on to things that you said
Baby I wish I were dead.
Surely don't stay long I'm missing you now.
It's like I told you I'm over you somehow
Before I close the door
I need to hear you say goodbye
Baby won't you change your mind?

"And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair....

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume? ....

And I really end this time. I swear on all the stars above, it is over."

"Perhaps I'll regret this post. I don't care. It seems a habit to go against my better judgement, well, all the time. It seems this is no time to decide to quit.

Several folks are my inspiration. First, I follow in the foot steps of top. I offer a disclaimer, and reasoning:

if you find my journal, if you know me, I hope you have the prudence to keep what you read to yourself. This is my best and worst self. Do not go looking for things you may not want to know, you'll find them. The hurt it may cause you will surely fall in your lap, especially if you go looking for it. My apologies. We all need some place, and this little screen is mine. I woke up one day , all of a sudden afraid that information here could be misused and the thought of people I care for being hurt by what I say (being delivered by other lips) here became unbearable.

Today I woke up and thought myself ridiculous. Yes, my thoughts may be hurtful, but I would have thought them anyway, whether I confessed them or not. I've never been afraid to be myself or stand by what I say before, and so I'm not sure why it all of a sudden became an issue. Wait - yes I am, but it doesn't matter anymore. The fear that control of my own words and timing being taken away from me got the best of me.

I will continue to stand by what I write, say and feel. I'm afraid of no one more than myself, other than that, it's out of my immediate control. What happens will and I'll deal with it as it comes."

Okay I am not mad anymore : )

I think.

I learned a new word today...

Callipygian

Now go look it up, haha you thought I was going to give it away.

Remember that whole thing about expecting the worse so it isnt so bad... well it doesnt work.

I cant even talk about it today, or right now. Maybe later...so in the mean time...

"I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth."
Umberto Eco

"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise."
Robert Fritz

"When the character of a man is not clear to you, look at his friends."

"The friendship that can cease has never been real."
Saint Jerome
Japanese Proverb

"Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't."
- Richard Bach

I dont know why I put that last quote in, it just made me laugh, and I needed it this morning.

I feel groggy, cranky and tired, although I slept almost all weekend. Starting Friday afternoon I got this headache. I havent had one in years, but it stayed until Sunday night, when Chris made me choke down some pills.

I'll be moving soon. Not very far but to a new home. Fresh start on a lot of things...looking forward to it though. So I got some packing done too this weekend.

Still have a lot of decisions to make soon. Still dont know what to do...

Seriously...What is wrong with some people? I suppose I will never know...and that kills me even more.

How do you know when you're really making a difference?

"Don't worry, fat women won't bite ~ unless you're a bucket of fried chicken."

"Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight "

I need to keep myself distracted. I dont know, I just dont know. Distraction...distraction...

"Everyone has a right to suck."

Tonight I help the homeless find jobs...should be interesting.

My oldest, probably best friend is some ways was on VH1 last night. About a year ago we got together after not seeing eachother for years and she told me about this show she had done.

She has been into dancing since I can remember. This is what she does, and she is great. So she signed up for this show about showgirls and told me of how she backed out because it wasnt what she thought it was going to be.

So last night I am trying to take a nap when I hear my brother yelling for me, something I hate. But I finally drag myself up and into the living room where he is watching TV. There is this show on called Showgirls Bootcamp. Right away I knew it was the one.

My brother is like I recognized someone, and sure enough here comes Mecca from Pico Rivera onto the screen. So we watched it. I already knew she was going to quit, but it was fun seeing her on TV.

Growing up, she was the one who always had strong opinions, I never really cared. We got into some trouble, but we were good kids. I still remember the time we were at her apartment building ding dong ditching people. We did this one apartment at the end of the hall and around a corner. As soon as we rounded the corner we ran right into the manager. By the time we got back to Meccas apartment, her Mom was waiting for us. We were so busted.

But she was always sticking up for everyone. I never had too many friends, but she was always letting me tag along with her and her friends. She never let anyone pick on anyone, and she always said what she thought.

Well I am proud of her for leaving that stupid show, it was dumb. She had nothing to gain, really, from it. She has been dancing for years, she didnt have anything to prove as far as I am concerned. Maybe it would have been a building block on her resume, but she stuck by her beliefs and said what she thought and that is more valuable I think.

I was hoever shocked at who did win, Mecca would have whooped her ass in points I am sure. Haha.

She was an emotional one...
One who could capture the room with a sweep of her arms...
The kind who could make you think.

She spoke her mind...
She spoke others minds...
Her words tantalized...
Her actions moved bridges...
And yet she was humble.

I saw her last night...
As my eyes danced upon the screen...
Her voice again I heard...
Her movements I recognized...
And I remembered Her.

One day long ago she told me...
Of how she would rescue me...
And how things were suppose to be...
And I believed.

It was years in between...
The calls and the letters...
Of only hear say and memories...
And sometimes you forgot.

But then once a call is returned...
The memories are back...
The silence is forgotten...
Once again the stories...
The feeling of knowing...
And then it is gone again.

But somehow you know...
Of how things are still there...
No words are needed...
Not even actions will do...
But of Her you just know.

"But I keep my mouth shut, 'cause anyone with a brain won't argue with a muppet"

Good one...haha

I made a choice that I thought was right, that I should have, not what I wanted to. Now I am confused. So then my friend reads me my horoscope and its really weird. I usually dont read that stuff because its only confuses me more and then half the stuff it says could relate to most people anyway, but it was really weird.

It said to get rid of the old and start over. Get ready for the new and just go for it. Thats just so weird, and its very confusing. And Im scared.

Blah

Sometimes it isnt what it seems

Sometimes its just great
Everything is what you want
But sometimes decisions we make
And wishes we grant
Turn out to be something else...

Something you didnt plan on
Something you never expected
And then upon you it dawns
And their true self is reflected
And you know it is something else...

Monkey Butt: You confuse me.
BoobieJoggler: You upset me.
El Jefe: You worry me.
Hapa: You frustrate me.
Funky Monkey: You entertain me.

"Life is shit, but I enjoy the smell."

I found my distraction: I am learning sign language, just bought a learn to sign book! My Disneyland always comes in handy...also got a beadwork book and two other child development books as well as the newest National Geographic. WOOOHOOO!

I just need to find a someone to practice my signing with. Looks pretty dang hard.

Too many damn choices...

Just friends. Thats all.

My new year is starting off at a wobble. I was just walking up the stairs of my office building from the cafe and WHAM! I friggin fall on my ass. Good thing there was no one around to make it worse, but dang since when did I get so clumsy?

I was shaving my legs the other day and what the heck, I have like 5 bruises on them? Okay, maybe I was a little tispy the other night, but whats going on here? I read in my horoscope (something I normally dont do) and it was saying just go for it. I thought I knew what that was, but I think I may have gone for the wrong thing. I need to slow down, what was I thinking? Carl Thomas plays once again. Do I mean it? Nah, but I think it and so now I know. I need a distraction and quick before its too late.

Happy New Year Monkeys!