Journal

Just me venting again, skip this post if you're sick of my bitching.

You spoiled another good day, why dont you just stay away like I asked. Of course you call me at work because I dont have caller ID, so I always pick up even though I asked you not to call me at work many, many times. Right when things are good, you have to ruin it. After getting annoyed at having to repeat myself over and over, you ask why I am being mean. I am not mean, I am annoyed by you, stay out of my life, I am so happy without you. Cant you see that?

You can pretend to be a nice guy all you want, but I know you. Thats why I dont want you. Well maybe you are nice, to hookers that is. I suppose they earn more of your respect than people like I do. Curiosity killed the cat you know. And we all know now that you dont care, so why pretend? Go away and stay ther, please.

Things will get better...things will get better.

Do you choose to see the best in people and give everyone a fair chance? Or do you choose to expect the worse. I think I am picky about which way I choose. I cant lie, I discriminate sometimes. I am swooned by the dorkiest things, but it can be blinding. However, if someone does something I dont like, forget it I wont like you much.

Well in this instance I was right, I think. I gave them a chance and they seem alright so far. Hey no ones perfect but decency is a good thing. Monkey and Monkey Butt, you guys didnt see this one coming did ya!

9 days and counting to "me" day! Who's taking me to Nobus?

"So this girl asked me what punk was. I kicked over a trash can and said, 'That's punk.' So she kicked over a trash can and said, 'This is punk?' and I said, 'No, that's just trendy.'"

Okay, first I must apologize for the horrible postings the last few weeks. I know they were horrible, but it helped at the time, a lot has gone on that most of you know about. Its been hard and stressful, but the future can only get better..

I am still in the process of finding a place, a lot of things are still in the air, but I havent quite found the perfect place yet. Actually I havent even found anything decent. Ive had three places in the last month fall through, which was really a streak of bad luck, but I am determined to wait it out and hope for the best, its not as if I'd be out on the street, I do have a car, jk.

On a better note, Chico has been quite the king of the house now that its just the two of us. I think he is most satisfied without any competition, he gets all my attention. We've been taking a lot more walks, runs and trips to the parks, which is nice for me too. I need to get out more. Although I've neglected my duties at the shelter and elsewhere which I felt guilty about but, I think I really needed to spend some time on me. Figuring things out and just letting things sink in. I am happy with the way things are, maybe not perfect but I am satisfied with the choices Ive made. I have no guilt and I tried my best.

I am going to be 24 in a week and three days. I cant beleive it. I remember thinking when I was 16, where I would be now. Its nowhere where I am now, but if only Id known then what I know now. I think it will be a "me" birthday, one Ill look forward to. I think I will spend it alone, with my phone off on the beach somewhere in LA just being thankful that I can eitherway. What makes it a "me" birthday is that I dont have to worry about anything else, just me. Thats gonna be a first, as most of you know, I am not big on holidays or birthdays. This one I will be happy with myself, the things Ive done and where I am in my life, whether they dont measure up to some standards, they certainly dont keep me up at night because I do my best. To think 10 years ago I was barely starting high school...

Chico is afraid of the rain. Its hilarious. He has to pee, but hes afraid to go outside and he wont go in the house, poor guy.

Finished the new Dave Pelzer book, wasnt quite as good as the first ones, probably because it isnt as gruelling and horrible to tell. But still, it takes you into parts of his life left out of the first ones, and makes you understand even more.

I finally went to the bead shop and used the certificate I got for xmas, so Ive started up beading again. Ive learned a few new stitches and will have pictures of the new stuff up soon...taking special requests for a limited time...

Can anyone guess which topic this story is about? Its a fairly prominent one in my area. I thought it was quite interesting...

There was a guy at the beach on a sunny day. The waves were large and the man wanted to go surfing. He had never been surfing before and today was going to be the big day. He approached a rental stand and began talking with the man behind the shanty.

Guy: Dude, I would like to rent the most radical surfboard.

Renter: Ok, here is my selection.
The guy peruses the boards lining the racks on the back wall.

Guy: Dude, do you have any that might fly?

Renter: Well, I suppose if you use this one you might be able to do some jumps if you are experienced.

Guy: No dude, I want one that flys in the air. Ya know, surf the clouds! Silver Surfer! Right on!

Renter: I'm sorry I think you have surfboards confused with something that doesn't exist.

Guy: Well that isn't fair! I want a surfboard that can fly!

Renter: I can't help you. By definition a surfboard is made to go on waves. Surf is, by definition, waves that break on the the shore. SURF BOARD.

A girl waiting in line breaks in to ask her question.

Girl: Hey, I want one that goes underwater!

Renter shakes his head.

Renter: These are surfboards. They are made for ontop of the water only. That is what they do. You can't just change what they do because your desires are otherwise. You can surf like everyone else or go somewhere else.

The renter is about to turn away when another man comes up and grabs his attention.

Man: Hey I want to rent 4 surfboards.

The renter lets a smile of relief turn on his lips.

Renter: Ok, that will be $100.

Man: Can you strap them all together? I want to use them all at once.

Renter: What in the hell is wrong with you people!? Surfboards have always been made for on top of the water and it wouldn't work to use more than one at a time!

Guy: Dude! You are discrimating against us because we think different against you!

Renter: No, I am not discriminating against you! I am offering you what I have and cannot do more.

Girl: Well I plan on changing the definition.

Renter: That doesn't make any sense. What you want is a SUBboard. And you want a AEROboard. And you want a POLYboard.

Guy: Dude, the polyboard is a stupid idea.

Girl: Yeah, it would never work! I think our ideas are good though!

Man: Why is my belief that using 4 surfboards at once a stupid idea and your ideas are so great?

Guy: Cuz, there are lots of people that want to have an flying surfboard or an underwater surfboard. Your idea is stupid. Our ideas are most righteous!

Man: Well if we're going to change the definition of a surfboard why can't I have a say in it too? This is not fair to me.

Guy: Dude! Maybe you have a point!

Just then another man appoached the rental counter.

New guy: Hey do you have any poodles I can surf on?

When something dies dont you usually grieve? I guess if you never gave a shit about it in the first place, then theres no need to grieve, but honesty would at least be nice. I guess even that is too much to ask for now. Well hooker lover, thanks for making it easier and easier everyday to move on.

I know now what I wont be missing: Lies I tell, you, phony balogne lies. Oh and I cant forget how much I will miss you not being dependable. I know now, that everything that comes from your mouth is really just talk. It could have been simple, but no you had to make things complicated. Now I really know you.

Now I realize things were worse than I thought, the lies were even more intense and more than I thought. I dont want to know you at all. I wont have to cater to your needs, while mine get stuck at the bottom of your list. I know now to expect the absolute worse from you. Too bad I had to find it all out on my own, over a long, strenuously draining experience.

It made me smile to hear you now spend your time with those you made fun of and talked about so much. Thanks for making me smile. You have become what you so said you disliked. At least I never gave up trying to be a better person trying to make you happy. I didnt loose everything...

Either someone is really stupid or they are being a real jerk. Either way they really suck.

Another one of those weekends...I wont go into detail to be nice, but I really wanted to hurt someone Saturday. They made life that much harder to take that day and if it werent for the few friends I do have that kept me sane, I would have told someone some mighty choice words and more. Am I too old for that? Sometimes I dont think my age matters, and I should be able to speak my mind and act "stupid", because I dont feel satisfied otherwise, but I always chose to keep it in.

I said I wouldnt go into detail but I will vent still. Why, because I can and I want to. Remember my clause? I dont mean to hurt anyone, and you can read this and think what you will, but it doesnt always mean you know what I am talking about and so I suggest you not jump to conclusions, or assume I mean to hurt you in any way. I only write because it is my way of getting it out.

So...you never listened, you never considered, thought about, or even felt. Why? I think because you chose not to. When I was asked to work on things I did. Not everything, but a lot. You chose not to do anything. And because I chose not to do everything you chose to blame me, although I will point out you did nothing. And now...it looks so easy for you, it angers me. You still do not listen, consider or feel, but now I do not try so it shouldnt bother me. It still does sometimes though. After years and the ups and downs it has to. I am alone but it doesnt bother you. Although I dont need you, it would be nice to think you cared enough to make sure, but you wont and I already know this. Ive known all along, I tried explaining many times, but no you assurred me it was something to work on. I worked it out until you finally figured it out. You finally figured out that I was right. Now that hurts.

After all of that, I am still bombarded with anger. I was left with not much, and yet you want to take more. The "things" we had, you only want the good ones, the old worn and useless ones, you assure me I can have. You tell me this as if you are being nice. But actaully you can "afford" muchmore than me. On your way out, you leave a wreck for me to clean up. You're love I am expected to take care of until someone else comes to claim responsibility, to love. Dont bother to ask though, I guess it is assumed I will just know I must do that.

It comes in flights. You come with a sweep of your sword, taking what you can and leaving me with anger. But thats not enough, you cant leave a clean wound, but you continue to pick the scab over and over until its easy for you to forget about. Everytime you pick the anger grows again.

Oh one more thing, its funny how you like to twist things around. I am no liar, but we both know who is. I should have known then we were doomed. When someone swears on their mother only to take it back when they've been found out, is quite wrong.

Okay I am done for now. I am still a little angry but not as much. I feel stupid flying off the handle, but that always leads to horrible things, and really what will it accomplish?

Yesterday I decided not to work since I had such a rough weekend. I took Chico to the park and we romped in the mud, it was carefree fun. Had a depressing bout looking a place. After talking to a man over the phone about a studio for rent he assurred me that it was spacious. I got there with Chico in tow, and the whole place (kitchen, bathroom and room) were smaller thanmy living room, which is pretty small, and it didnt have a stove! I wasnt thinking it was worth the $900 he wanted for it. Very depressing. I have less than 2 more weeks to go...

Bought the new Dave Pelzer book, and its good so far. Im signing up for flag football, and I am going to be the shrimp of the team of course. I know I am going to be tempted to tackle someone, I've never played anything besides tackle. Should be fun.

V-day is for the birds!

Funny, Funny, Funny...

http://www.smaug.org.uk/manda.html

¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º
your into japanese fast food
and i drop you off with your japanese lover
and you're going to the beach all day
you're so pretty when you're unfaithful to me
you're so pretty when you're unfaithful to me
you're looking like
you've got some sun
your blistered lips
have got a kiss
the days are lit like everyone
uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh

your bones got a little machine
you're the bone machine

i was talking to preachy-preach about kissy-kiss
he bought me a soda
he bought me a soda
he bought me a soda and he tried to molest me in the parking lot
yep, yep yep YEP!

i make you break
you make me hard
your irish skin
looks Mexican
our love is rice and beans and horses lard
your bones got a little machine
you're the bone machine

uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh
uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh

¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø¤º°`°

After having a horrible day, its was the kids that actually helped me to wind down yesterday. Maybe they could tell I was already at my last end, or maybe they had just as rough of a day, but for some reason things went way smooth and I felt better going home.

Everynight driving home from the shelter I think about what happened and the things I may have accomplished and the things I should try to next time. Last night I taught a little boy how to calculate simple interest. Next time well see if he remembers. Last night we taught one of the little ones Go Fish, he loved it. Next week we are making journals, even I am excited about it.

Okay, so I am having a horrible day. One of the most horrific I've had in a very long time. Emotionally, physically and everything, its just messed up. But you know what? I just smiled. I just remembered something that happened yesterday and it almost makes me laugh.

Two people made yesterday a bad day too. These two people I've not seen in years. They may read this, and it doesnt matter to me, well it actually makes me smile even more, but oh well.

These two people I always had issues with, or rather they had with me. What issues exactly I dont really know, but a lot of stupid stuff that I know, or remember. Anyways I thought that years ago we had worked things out, we are civil and whatever, life went on. One of these people actually still emails me for favors or to make remarks about stuff, which is cool, cause all that BS is in the past right.

Well I guess they still have something out for me. I didnt find this out until the last minute, but they decided to change they're mind on a deal we had with another person. They've known for about a good month at least, but just yesterday decided they had changed their mind. They just realized that they still have "issues" with me. Okay...

So I started to think, geeh what did I do now? Its been years...then I remembered a joke I sent out a few months ago. It was about this married couple, some stupid joke about how marriage is. These two just got married last year and I guess she got offended. I got a response from her something like "Well I am happily married thank you!" and I was like whatever. I think back and maybe I was a little stubborn then and I didnt quite give them the benefit of the doubt and I thought, well I sure have grown since then. And then I smiled because I realized that they hadnt.

"Children might or might not be a blessing, but to create them and then fail them was surely damnation."

I hope the little boy at the homeless shelter that runs around biting people isnt in one of his "moods" tonight. Im already tired and its only 5.

The Shower Survey

1. Do you start the water and then get in or get in and start the water?
Start it, then get in.

2. Do you read the labels on your shampoo bottle?
Sometimes...

3. Do you moan like the people on the Herbal Essence commercials?
Nope.

4. Have you ever showered with someone of the opposite sex?
Maybe.

5. Have you ever been forced to shower with one of your siblings?
Not that I know of.

6. Have you ever brushed your teeth in the shower?
Nope.

7. Have you ever dropped your soap on your foot?
I think so...

8. How OLD do you look while wet and when a towel is the only thing on your body?
I dunno.

9. How old do you act?
Usually my age, sometimes just like a baby though...

10. What's the last song you sang in the shower?
Joan Osborne "what if god was oneof us"

11. What kind of soap do you use?
Johnson baby bedtime.

12. What color is your shower? Peach.

13. What color is your towel? White or Burgundy.

14. Do you shave in the shower? Yup.

15. Does your shower have a seat in it? No?

16. Have you ever been walked in on while you were showering?
Yes, actually just the other day...

17. Do you have the anti-slip sticky pads on the floor of your shower?
No.

18. Do you wear a robe around the house after your shower?
No, I dont own a robe.