Journal

Still recovering...still carless...still clueless...

yet happy.

I'll probably never understand men, why do I bother?

Many, many good things lately and yet those dark ones are lurking in the background. Too many possibilities, too many negative undertones...and I ignore them still. I am having too much fun to let them bother me, but will they just build up and attack me one day?

I wish I could herd everyone I know into counseling with me and make them all spill their guts. I think then all of our problems would be solved...

Long weekend ahead...and many exciting things going on. Carnaval, good food, dancing, drinking and more parties!

One more week till LA! I cant wait!

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover boy
Cheers darlin'
I got years to wait around for you
Cheers darlin'
I've got your wedding bells in my ear
Cheers darlin'
You give me three cigarettes to smoke my tears away

And I die when you mention his name
And I lied, I should have kissed you
When we were running the reins

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Cheers darlin'
Here's to you and your lover man

Cheers darlin'
I just hang around and eat from a can
Cheers darlin'
I got a ribbon of green on my guitar
Cheers darlin'
I got a beauty queen
To sit not very far from here

I die when he comes around
To take you home
I'm too shy
I should have kissed you when we were alone

What am I darlin'?
A whisper in your ear?
A piece of your cake?
What am I, darlin?
The boy you can fear?
Or your biggest mistake?

Oh what am I? What am I darlin'?
I got years to wait...

Its Tubular Tuesday!!!

Whoot! Whoot!

http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/00b9a680/343745d2

I feel horrible. I finally told him I wont ever see him again. Bad friends just dont cut it anymore. I wont settle. There more to say, but itll probably be best not to explain.

If only he knew...but then he couldnt handle it. I can handle it alone. I can.

I dont understand, but I'll try. I suppose theres nothing I can do...right?

Miss my scruffy. I am such a sissy la la.

Capitalism(the tendency of people to 'shout' when typing)

I feel like such a friggin sissy la la lately. I hate whiners and people who are always down, but thats exactly how Ive been since Saturday. My bodys all messed up and my hormones are whacked. I feel fine, even great one moment and then the next I am in pain and wanting to hurt the next person who looks at me funny. I am so not fun right now. But the worse part is over. Thanks goodness.

I had yummy food though last night and I saw a good movie. I had poki, deep fried soft shell crab, short ribs, rice and tea. YUMM. And I saw Man on Fire, with Denzel. It was awesome. And I had nachos and a slurpee. YUMM.

I cant wait to feel like myself again. Sissy la la sucks.

I like your pants around your feet
I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favourite damn disease

And I love the places that we go
And I love the people that you know
And I love the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I love the powder on your nose

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

I like the freckles on your chest
And I like the way you like me best
And I like the way you're not impressed,
While you put me to the test
I like the wine stains on your dress

And I love the way you pass the check
And I love the good times that you wreck
And I love your lack of self respect

While you're passed out on the deck
I love my hands around your neck

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

I love your pants around your feet
And I love the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me
You're like my favourite damn disease

And I hate the places that we go
And I hate the people that you know
And I hate the way you can't say no
Too many long lines in a row
I hate the powder on your nose

And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out
And now I know who you are
It wasn't that hard
Just to figure you out

It finally stopped. I am a little relived, but still wondering whats wrong. At least I know its not that. I didnt really think that, but theres always a chance of that, no matter what. Scared the hell outta me, but its much better now. I still feel weak.

Wouldnt it be cool to buy a house? Yes...but it'll be a while still. Saw something I liked and Im working on it. The plans are quite extensive, but itll work out...

He still makes me uncomfortable when he calls, no matter how rare it is...

I saw the sick video, I dont know why. I believe in a healthy fear of things, but this just goes to show that some people dont. Some people have no respect for anything, and that evil is so, so out there and it makes me feel helpless...it made me sick. It still makes me sick to think about it and its not something Ill ever forget...

Saw some info on some training Id like to do. Only thing is its in the east bay and its on Saturdays at 9am. If I have to work Friday nights till 2, and sometimes even until 4 or so thatll suck. Thing is this is training I would like to do no matter what. This would also mean commiting to more shifts a week. I could do it, but I was also thinking of taking some more classes soon. I am trying to decide if I should do a tough home study course thats very fast paced and get it over with, or just continue to take classes here and there, which is more in depth and I can concentrate more on.

I figure I might as well get it over with. Then everyone will stop harrassing me about when Im going to be finished with school and I can start focusing my energy on some other things that are important to me like my training. Id really like to do this training, but I dunno yet...

Lookin' around the house
Hidden behind the window and the door
Searchin' for signs of life but there's nobody home
Well maybe I'm just too sure
Or maybe I'm just too frightened by the sound of it
Pieces of note fall down but the letter said
It was good livin' with you
It was good
It was good livin' with you
It was good
Good, good, good, good, good, good
Sittin' around the house
Watchin' the sun trace shadows on the floor
Searchin' for signs of life but there's nobody home
Well, maybe I'll call or I'll write you a letter

Now maybe we'll see on the fourth of July
But I'm not too sure, and I'm not too proud
Well I'm not too sure and I'm not too proud to say
It was good livin' with you
It was good
It was good livin' with you
It was good...awhh, huuuh...so good.
Awh, wahow
It was good livin' with you
It was good
It was good livin' with you
It was good
Yeah you were so good
yeah you were so good
Yeah....that's right!

Hopppy Birfday Stacey Wacey!!!!!!!!!

Its a friggin Monday alright. My back aches, my arms are killing me and just feel like crap. Ill tell you why later.

Friday went out and ran into a bunch of people. Someone asked me if I was someones girlfriend...guess what I said...haha youll never know.

Saturday went shopping. I hate it. I want these stupid shoes, but no one has them in my size! So after checking out the whole damn mall, and still finding nothing I finally got to check out this bookstore Ive been wanting to go to. Its so friggin awesome. I totally scored. Had to bartend that night. It was pretty slow, so the head bartender was showing me some cool bottle spinning tricks.

Sunday I had my hotline shift. Still no calls. I rearranged my whole room and the shed, fixed the vaccuum, did laundry and all kinds. My arms were already sore from the night before tossing bottles, but now my legs were killing me.

I feel like crap still. My cars finally getting fixed, but I didnt get to try out my new buffer.

Life is so challenging...and thats why I love it for the most part.

For the record...I dont fight over money. It really bothers me to think someone might think that I would, especially in this case.

I still need to get my car fixed, I have been very bad about putting it off. Maybe Im just afraid Ill get screwed again...being a girl has some real disadvantages sometimes...

My therapist said he has a feeling that I am going to get a call this weekdend...I wonder if hes going to be right?...

Had my first monthly counseling meeting Wednesday. The best part about this group is we have so much in common. I love feeling a part of that. Although we are all different in race, background, careers, socially and all that we have this incredible bond because we all love what we do there. It so awesome to see everyone contribute in their own way and be able to take that.

I need a trip to LA soon. I miss home, I just need to touch it again.

Did I mention that scruffy is friggin SEXY?!!

"you're a special kind of fool"

Nanner Nanner!

"Paradise is exactly like where you are right now...only much, much better"

Scruffy is SEXY! Sexy damn it!

I had it all planned...shoulda remembered my plans have a tendency to fall through...

I had planned on making yesterday a Chico day since I didnt spend much time with him over the weekend and I felt bad. Since I had the night off I had planned on giving him a little pamper bath and brushing and then taking him for a night out on the neighborhood.

Well I got home, made dinner and started to relax. I had to force myself to get up and go to the store because I needed to get Chico a new collar if we were going to go out. I went to Petco but they didnt have the one I wanted, so I went to this other one in this shopping center and got him that, some lotion and a brush. In the same shopping center was Michaels so I decided to hop on over and get some bead stuff...

On my way home my Grandma called me to come over so she could touch up my hair so I did. By the time I got home it was already 10 and cold outside so I Chico day had to be postponed. He'll have to wait till Thursday I guess...

I have some exciting news...but I cant share it just yet. Dont you hate it when I do that?..hehe

Had a nice eventful, up and down emotionally, but good weekend. Went to the Pow Wow, saw Kil Bill 2, ate lots, bought some new beads, visited with family, worked a little, and even did some laundry.

Kill Bill 2 rocked! Pow Wow rocked! Everything just rocked!

"Anxiety is love's greatest killer. It makes others feel as you might when a drowning man holds on to you. You want to save him, but you know he will strangle you with his panic."

Tubular!

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom"

YOU MIGHT BE FROM NEW MEXICO IF ...

You can correctly pronounce Tesuque, Cerrillos, and Pojoaque.

You have been told by at least one out-of-state vendor that they are going to charge you extra for "international" shipping.

You expect to pay more if your house is made of mud.

You can order your Big Mac with green chile.

Your Christmas decorations include "a yard of sand and 200 paper bags".

Most restaurants you go to begin with "El" or "Los".

You hated Texans until the Californians moved in.

You price shop for tortillas.

You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.

You just got your fifth DWI and got elected to the state legislature in the same week.

Your swamp cooler got knocked off your roof by a dust devil.

All your out-of-state friends and relatives visit in October.

You think Las Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state.

You iron your jeans to "dress up".

Your other vehicle is also a pick-up truck.

You know the punch line to at least one Espanola joke.

You know whether you want "red or green."

You're relieved when the pavement ends because the dirt road has fewer pot-holes.

You see nothing odd when, in the conversations of the people in line around you at the grocery store, every other word of each sentence alternates between Spanish and English.

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of
the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be
the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever
delivered to Mexico .

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an
iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise and were eagerly
awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so
great, that they declared a National Day
of Mourning which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th . . . and is
known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

"dont touch me i bite....no really i do"

"The trouble is not that players have sex the night before a game. It's that they stay out all night looking for it."

Why does he have to know? It makes me nervous knowing that hes trying to find out even though I already told him I didnt want him to know yet. Nosy ass.

Im intimidated. Very intimidated, and now I know why. I dont think I can measure up even though his stadards are not physical he says. I still feel intimidated, its all about the job and money.

And why wont HE go away. I tried to tell him last night, but he knows me too well. I told him about HIM and HIM, but HE just doesnt understand. Just stop.

And YOU, where do I start. I ended it before it started but you still havent gotten it. I just cant, because I dont want to.

What the...?

http://www.mosnews.com/news/2004/04/28/rasputin.shtml

I was thinking about someone that used to be a friend today. Actually two people that used to be friends of mine. See, we are no longer friends really, although it wasnt really said like that. I was pretty bummed about it for a while, but I kind of just forgot about it the last month or so. I found out I am not always such a good judge of peoples character. I suppose we all do at times. Or maybe people just change, who really knows? I dont.

I dont think he'll read this so thats why I can write about it now. See a few months ago he used to be a good friend of mine. I thought he was a decent guy. I may have even liked him more than that, who knows. Anyways, he proposed to me. I thought he was joking at first, but then he claimed to have made all these plans already, like he knwe I was going to say yes. He demanded that I fly across the country to be with him. When I finally took him serious and explained there was no way that would happen, he got mad.

I was really confused about this. First I could have sworn he was kidding, but he kept persisting and getting mad when Id joke about it. When I took him seriously, I tried explaining why he was wrong and why it was such a bad idea. In actuality I was a little offended because he assumed I would accept, when he knows how much I am against marriage. But besides that there were so many reasons why it was just ridiculous. He didnt see it that way.

The really sad part was that it started to get to me. We argue about this for over a week and he wouldnt budge and he seemed to just keep getting upset. I didnt know what to do. I finally went to another friend of mine who is also a guy and Ive always consoled with my guy problems. Weve known eachother forever. I can always expect a reasonable and understanding answer from him. He was like my rock over the years when it came to my manly woes. But when I told him, he didnt believe me. He said he thought I was making up stuff to make him jealous. Where that came from I dont know, but all i do know is that it really made me mad.

I hung up on him and havent called him since and he hasnt called me. I still dont know what happened but I lost a really good friend and its sucks. The other friend, well I finally told him to forget it and stopped taking his calls. He finally got he hint, but again I lost a good friend.

The funniest part though is that I dont miss either of them. Now that I think about it, they werent very good friends. Occassionally I might remember something, but other than that, I am fine. I have enough friends to keep me sane and I certainly know when not to let people hurt me, well most of the time. In this case, I think I did what I had to and well theres no looking back...